Kerouac Captures It - Looking Back at 24 August 2005

What is that feeling when you’re driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? – it’s the too-huge world vaulting us, and it’s good-by.  But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.

I finished reading On the Road a few of weeks ago.  Although, not my favorite book, I enjoyed the insights Kerouac offered throughout the story, and see why it is a classic representation of the Beat Generation.  The passage sited above stuck with me well after I finished the novel, summoning my own memories of good-byes…

24 Aug 2005, Wednesday at 2am
I’m sitting here in a deployment hangar at March AFB 2 hours away from 29 Palms…and I am on my way to war.

Thursday and Friday were fine with Mike, then a roller coaster through the weekend.  I don’t feel like “talking” about it.

Friday, Mom and Dad got to California.  We went out to dinner with Patrick and his parents and had fun.  Saturday I got the “holy shit I’m leaving for Iraq soon” emotional roller coaster and then was on the phone till 3am with Mike and up crying till 4am.  He was a huge ass.  Sunday, I was depressed all day, but hung out with Mom and Dad in Palm Desert, had a super yummy sushi dinner, and had a decent time.

Monday, I packed and then just hung out that day because we were originally supposed to leave that night but didn’t.  Tori drove up from San Diego which was great and stayed the night since I didn’t leave until tonight (Tuesday).  Matt also came to say goodbye.  It wasn’t weird at all.  It was very nice to see him and I miss him.  I talked a lot on the phone with all my friends the last couple of days, and Becci and Rachel.  I called Grammy today and she started crying hard at the end.  Mom was a mess tonight saying goodbye…crying out loud and everything.  I’ve been pretty unemotional the last couple of days.

Overall, I am happy.  I have a very blessed life and am excited for what is ahead.  Lord, I ask that you protect me and all these Marines and guide our CO and XO.  Lord, also, comfort my parents and anyone else having a hard time with me leaving.  And thank you for a wonderful family and loving friends. I'm so blessed to have the amazing friends that I do.  Lord, I pray for Mike’s heart.  I also pray that your will be done in our relationship and you give me understanding and peace no matter which way it goes.  I love you, Lord.  Remain in my heart forever.

Same day, now 21:05 – Boston, Mass
I honestly don’t feel too much of anything right now – emotionally.  We had a few hours to wait in Boston and I called everyone one last time.  I got to talk to Mom and Dad, Becci, Rachel, Mike, and Chris.  It was good, but I don’t feel super sad or super happy or anything.  Mike said, “I’m so proud of you, Angel.  I love you.”  That was nice.  I am reading Into the Wild and it is making me pensive.  I want to write lots but I’m tired.

I like journaling because I think one day I’ll really write.  I’ll want people to know what I was thinking or know more of who I really am.  I’m afraid I’ll be “famous” posthumously, though.  I’ve had this feeling for a while that I’ll die young.  :-/ I think Matt still knows me better than anyone else in some ways.  The more I think of him, actually, the more I miss him.  He is such a special person.  I still wonder if there’s a “future” for us.  A month ago I told myself I’d written him off forever and that was a good thing, but seeing him again put a face to things…brought a reality to the thoughts.  We were so comfortable around each other.  I wanted to hug him.

I love Mike, but it feels so insecure.  I don’t ever really feel sure that he loves me as much as I love him…or that he loves me as much as I want him to.  I want his unconditional love and I’m afraid that will never happen.  How can I stay with someone like that?  Fearful love is not what I want.  I love me a lot and know what makes me great and what makes me annoying at times – I wish I felt like he truly appreciated everything about me. L